What if the person you struggle most to forgive, show compassion toward, or even love is yourself?
In Matthew 5:44–45, Jesus tells us to love our enemies and reminds us that God causes the sun to rise on both the just and unjust and sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous.
We all have people who have hurt us, disappointed us, or whom we simply do not like and people who simply do not like us. Yet Jesus calls us to extend love even to those who are difficult to love. Sometimes, finding peace means releasing anger and resentment, recognizing that we are all recipients of God's love and grace.
Now, let me be clear. Loving someone does not mean we have to maintain a relationship with them or continually make ourselves available for more hurt. We can forgive, extend grace, and love people from a distance while maintaining healthy boundaries.
During a recent Bible study on this Scripture, however, something struck me.
What if one of the enemies we struggle most to love is ourselves?
How often do we extend patience, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness to others while withholding those very things from ourselves?
We encourage others when they stumble, yet our internal dialogue can be harsh, critical, and downright cruel when we make a mistake. We tell others that nobody is perfect, yet somehow expect perfection from ourselves.
Sometimes, we carry anger and resentment toward ourselves without even recognizing it.
In my work as a mental health counselor, I frequently see how negative self-talk, shame, guilt, and unresolved emotional wounds influence our relationships, behaviors, and emotional well-being.
In Mark 12:31, Jesus tells us:
“Love your neighbor as yourself.”
We often focus on loving our neighbor, but what about the second part of that command?
As yourself.
In my book, Light for the Journey Through Dry Bone Valley, I discuss how this Scripture also invites us to examine how we view and treat ourselves.
If we are called to demonstrate love, patience, mercy, and compassion toward others, why do we so often exclude ourselves?
Matthew 15:18–19 reminds us that what comes out of our mouths originates in our hearts. Jesus was addressing how the condition of our hearts influences our words and behaviors.
But I believe this also gives us something to consider about our internal dialogue the conversations nobody else hears.
The harsh judgments. The quiet accusations. The constant reminders of our shortcomings.
"You should have known better."
"You're not good enough."
"You always mess things up."
"God may forgive you, but you know what you did."
Sound familiar?
Our internal dialogue matters. What we repeatedly tell ourselves can influence how we feel, behave, and relate to others.
The Two Wolves: Which One Are You Feeding?
There is a familiar parable about two wolves, often attributed to Native American tradition, although its exact origins are uncertain.
An elder tells a child that two wolves are battling within each person.
One represents anger, bitterness, resentment, guilt, shame, and negativity.
The other represents love, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, peace, and hope.
The child asks which wolf will win.
The elder responds:
“The one you feed.”
But consider what that means when it comes to how we treat ourselves.
Every time we rehearse our failures, criticize ourselves, or dwell on our inadequacies, we risk strengthening patterns of negative thinking.
Yet when we choose compassion over condemnation, forgiveness over resentment, and truth over shame, we begin nurturing a healthier internal dialogue.
Now, this doesn't mean ignoring painful emotions or pretending everything is fine.
We don't overcome the darker wolf by pretending it doesn't exist. We begin by acknowledging what is there and choosing what we will continue to nurture.
Anger, sadness, grief, and disappointment are part of being human. The question is whether we allow those emotions to inform us or define us.
Philippians 4:8 encourages us to focus our thoughts on what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, and worthy of praise.
Notice that it begins with what is true.
And the truth is that we can acknowledge our mistakes without allowing them to become our identity.
We can recognize that we have made mistakes without concluding that we are mistakes.
Compassion Is Not Just for Other People
We replay past decisions, carry guilt long after acknowledging our wrongdoing, and sometimes refuse to forgive ourselves for things we didn't even realize we were doing at the time. That is not compassion or accountability. That is punishment.
Taking responsibility for your actions and continually punishing yourself are not the same thing.
Self-compassion does not eliminate accountability. We can acknowledge our mistakes, make amends when appropriate, learn from our experiences, and still extend grace toward ourselves.
And isn't that why we need God's grace in the first place?
Romans 8:1 reminds us:
“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus.”
Perhaps it's time to stop living under the weight of self-condemnation and begin embracing the same grace we so freely encourage others to receive.
So, the next time you find yourself engaging in harsh self-talk, pause and ask:
Would I speak this way to someone I love?
Am I taking responsibility, or am I continuing to punish myself?
Is what I'm telling myself consistent with God's truth?
Which wolf am I feeding?
When Jesus instructed us to love our enemies, He was speaking about how we respond to others. Yet His teaching led me to consider how often we treat ourselves like an enemy.
If God extends His love, mercy, and grace to you, what keeps you from extending some of that same compassion to yourself?
You are loved, too.
You are worthy of kindness and compassion. You are allowed to make mistakes, learn from them, and move forward.
You do not have to become your own worst enemy.
Stay encouraged, and remember: Be mindful of what you feed your mind, because the conversations you have with yourself matter.
