Adult Child Estrangement — Is It Always the Parent?

Understanding a Growing—and Painful—Reality for Families

Conversations about adult child estrangement have been coming up more and more in my work. It continues to surprise me how many parents carry quiet grief, confusion, and often guilt over relationships with adult children that feel distant, strained, or completely severed.

When parents share their stories, they often sound heartbreakingly similar:

· “They never post pictures with us—even when we’re standing right there.”

· “When their friends are around, we’re invisible.”

· “They expect gifts but don’t acknowledge my birthday.”

· “I feel like I’m walking on eggshells—one wrong word and I’m shut out.”

· “They say they’re too busy, yet travel with friends or other family.”

· “They hold onto every mistake I made but overlook their own.”

· “I look forward to seeing them but leave hurt after only a few hours.”

These are words soaked in grief—love that has lost its landing place.

When Parents Carry the Blame

Fredrik Backman writes in Anxious People:

“Do you know what the worst thing about being a parent is? That you are always judged by your worst moments.”
“Parents are defined by their mistakes.”

There’s truth here. Some estrangement is the result of parental emotional immaturity, control, neglect, or unresolved wounds. Some parents struggle to acknowledge the pain they caused—even unintentionally.

Healing often begins when a parent can humbly say, “I’m sorry,” without defensiveness or justification.

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” — Ephesians 6:4

But Sometimes… It’s the Child

However, it’s also true that not all estrangement comes from parental failure.

Some adult children rewrite history to maintain victimhood or justify distance. Some project unresolved internal battles onto their parents. Others measure love by material things, affirmation, or constant agreement. Some hold onto bitterness as part of their identity, making reconciliation nearly impossible.

“There are those who curse their fathers and do not bless their mothers.” — Proverbs 30:11
“Honor your father and mother…” — Ephesians 6:2

One mother shared how exhausting it felt to continually praise her adult child for “just being an adult,” only to feel criticized or dismissed in return.

The truth is, estrangement is complex—not a simple story of one saint and one villain.

The Tug-of-War Between Blame and Grace

Estrangement is rarely one-sided. More often, it’s a tangled web of misunderstandings, personality differences, unmet expectations, pride, and old wounds—on both sides. Hurting people often hurt people.

Dr. Joshua Coleman describes today’s “new model of family.” He notes that relationships are increasingly maintained only when they align with an individual’s personal sense of happiness, growth, or mental well-being—unlike past generations, where honoring parents, respecting elders, and valuing family unity were cultural anchors. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/202511/how-to-heal-a-family-split).

Today, nothing compels an adult child to stay in connection apart from their own desire.

Healing requires at least one person choosing to interrupt the cycle—by seeking peace over being right. This journey usually involves:

· Humility to acknowledge one’s part

· Patience for boundaries you may not prefer

· Emotional flexibility to release the need to retell the past

· Empathy to see the world through each other’s eyes

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” — Romans 12:18
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” — 1 Peter 4:8

Finding Peace When Reconciliation Isn’t Possible

Sometimes reconciliation doesn’t happen—at least not yet. That does not mean you stop loving. It means you surrender the relationship to God and trust Him with what you cannot fix.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18

You can still walk in peace, even when the other person isn’t ready. Forgiveness and restoration are not the same thing.

Forgiveness releases your heart from resentment. Restoration requires participation from both sides.

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” — Ephesians 4:32

Closing Thoughts: Hope That Holds

Estrangement—whether complete or intermittent—is one of the deepest heartaches a parent can experience. The hope that rises and falls with every interaction can feel exhausting.

It’s okay to grieve what was lost. It’s okay to hope for what could be. But don’t let the pain define who you are.

God sees the fullness of your story—yours and theirs. When restoration feels impossible, His grace remains more than enough to heal the places human hearts cannot reach.

Continue to pray for your adult child. Continue to nurture the relationships that are healthy, reciprocal, and available to you today.

“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” — Matthew 19:26